This is a short essay on the attractiveness of those four wheel mechanical things we call cars. It is based on a series of observations, about these enigmatic forms of transport, that were made over a period of five days in their natural habitat - the Monash Freeway, Melbourne, Australia.
First, a few words about the habitat:
The Monash Freeway is an ideal environment for observing both the behavior and physical characteristics of cars. This is for a number of reasons, the least of which is that they spend an inordinate amount of time stationary.
It gives you plenty of time to look and take notes.
On occasion you can also see them moving at pace, although this is rare and they are generally followed by other cars with flashing lights, which can be confusing …and often ends with flames and screaming people.
But I digress. Please note I make no apologies for what is about to follow:
I'll start with those icons of Australian motoring history: Ford and Holden. Despite the recent victory at Bathurst by Ford, which gives the make a certain amount of vehicular social capital. I think it is fair to say that the Holden Commodore trumps the Ford Falcon on the carwalk in-every-single-way. The Ford Falcon is ugly. Not drop your glass and start screaming ugly (unlike the version from about three years ago that had a rear end like an elephants arse). But still ugly.
That said, it wasn't always this way. It didn't always hold the prize for 'least likely to succeed' and deserve relegation to that forest giant of aesthetic train wrecks - The Fugly Tree. There are also some mind shatteringly bad looking Commodores around. Bruises on wheels. Cars where you wonder if the designer was even human and if they knew how to wield a pencil like a pencil and not like an axe. If Holden hadn't recently been face palmed by design brilliance, their vehicles would be consigned to the lower limbs of the Fugly Tree for eternity. I mean, right now, even the Commodore station wagon looks pretty cool. Unlike the Falcon one - which looks like a fucking hearse.
Usually this sort of beauty in a station wagon thing is limited to luxury cars like Audi and BMW.
Next up are the SUVs. I was going to wax lyrical about the mid size cars but that would take too long as there are just too many - most of them bad. Points of note are that the Holden Cruz is a disaster on wheels and climbs (and believe me it can, it looks like an Orangutan) to the second limb of the Fugly Tree. The Ford Mondeo flails around at the bottom rooting for truffles and the Nissan Pulsar, Toyota Camry & Prius and Honda Accord… well they just make you want to cry. They also look much the same. Like they were designed by robots. Blind robots. With egg beaters for hands.
Back to SUV's… The Holden Captiva is funny. Really it is. It makes you want to laugh because it looks like a Manatee - you know that seal like thing that swims in the Amazon - the Ameoba with fins? Well that's the Captiva. The Ford Territory looks like a car that contains policemen - even if it is lime green. You don't want to fuck with a Territory. They are mean. And there are lots of them around over here. My one is dark blue and has tinted windows. It also has a roof rack and a grill in the back. I have fun in the back blocks of regional Victoria by flashing my lights behind bogans whilst driving up close behind them. I watch them panic, stub out their joints and pull over. I drive past at pace, but to make them feel better I throw them vouchers for a full body wax at Leo's.
Then there is the Range Rover Evo. My first question is: What the fuck is it and what does it do on weekends? It is a classic example of a confused car. It isn't a four wheel drive, it couldn't be. It doesn't even do puddles. And you can't see out of the back (which must be great for mums dropping their kids off at school - who can't see their little angels crying as she leaves them on the side of the road because she is late for Bikram). The X3? no 4, no 5… oh whatever… the Beamer - well it looks like a designer tank. It also looks like the Merc 350. Awesome if you are Russian.
Jeep? Well as someone quipped the other day when we were posing for a photo and the photographer said "someone make a joke so everyone smiles," and a guy piped up "I bought a Jeep" and we all laughed… that sums it up really. The yanks are selling them here so cheaply shops are giving them away when you buy dozen boxes of coke. The only good thing about them is that when you need parts all you have to do is look on the side of the road. There will always be a part - you know axles, wheels, diffs….
Landrover defender? They're okay - same as the Disco's. They look fantastic when not moving - which happens a lot.
Nissan? Well, you have the Patrol - which is sex on wheels …for guys with tools. And you have the X-trail. Its got an X because on a normal trail you'd be ringing the towie.
Then there is the Toyota Prado - a name which has always eluded me. I mean who calls a car a Prado? May as well call it a Soprano…. and the LandCruiser - which, well... thats another car for guys with tools.
As you can see this could go on for days. Days and days. Which is how much time I have spent on the Monash, looking at cars - quite simply because there is not much else to look at. Apart from their lights. At night you are surrounded by a sea of red. I have nightmares.
I think I might start taking the train.
