Coloured Blocks

Today I saw what has to be a new low in first-world marketing. So low I figure the 'geniuses' that came up with the idea must be about one base pair away from rock shrimp.

The worst thing was that the ad was for those coloured plastic blocks we all know and used to love. That's right, Lego. Not any Lego mind you. Gender specific technical Lego. For girls. Better still, girls that want to save the animals. 'Cause you know, apparently that's what girls that take an interest in something other than dolls want to do - save poor defenseless furry animals.

The first animal was a Giant Panda. A Giant Panda that lives in the jungle. Awesome. Or at least according to the announcer who's painted the 'girls saving small furry animals' scenario with a voiceover like a barbie commercial...

That's right folks, it was a Giant Panda. An animal that having over thousands of years adapted to the mountainous rocky, dappled light habitat associated with the highland forests of China... now lives in a FUCKING jungle - along with all its happy go lucky friends.

Who'd have thought?

Oh... but it is in trouble and has got lost (really lost I reckon) so has to be saved by the Adventure Girls that fly in to rescue him in a pink helicopter.

A pink helicopter? Fuck me...

You know I have seen a lot of helicopters. Never seen a pink one though... I'm gonna keep an eye out next time I am in the jungle. I'm guessing I'll have about as much chance seeing one as seeing a jungle-dwelling Giant Panda.

Next up was a baby bear that got caught out trying to make its way across a rope spanning a river. That's right a grey bear that looks a bit like a Koala, that also lives in the jungle. A baby one. And look, the girls fly in and rescue it. Ooooh yaaay! They all give it a nice group hug ('cause that's what you do when you rescue jungle bears, hug them. Together). They climb into the helicopter with it and everyone flies off into the hills, to the sound of - well I dunno what ....some cross between Kenny Loggins and Pantera.

Thing is though, it was a baby bear. Now, I have a passing knowledge of bears, and generally where there is a baby bear, there is a mama bear. And mama bear is no where as cute as baby bear. In fact she is mind shatteringly un-cute. Cack your undies un-cute. Take baby bear away from mama bear, even if baby bear is hanging from a rope ...in the jungle ...across a river... and chances are the last thing you will see is your body being eviscerated by her claws of death, having just had your head ripped off your neck by teeth that make Dracula look like a pool boy.

But hey its okay! With modern genderless stereotypes its all about saving animals. You know, tearing them out of their natural habitat. Cause fuck 'em, we have to sell pink Lego helicopters.